I haven't been blogging much lately, friends, because I have been struggling.
There has been a slight improvement in the night-time sleep schedule -- enough to remind me what a delicious and potent tonic sleep can be -- but it seems to be coming at the cost of those day-time gems of sweet relief called naps.
The past few days have seen me face down, crying into the living room rug by 6pm. No matter how plucky I start out in the morning, my resilience is eroded by the constant whining, the wriggling, the struggling to get away from diaper-changes, the sporratic 1/2 hour naps, the inability to be entertained by any one toy for longer than 30 seconds, the reaching for all things forbidden, the insistence on playing Attack Baby** until 9:30pm, and in fact, the total resistance to any kind of regular bedtime, and can I get a witness? Or maybe just a babysitter? By the time my poor unsuspecting husband comes home I'm ready to toss him the baby and exit the room, tipping my hat, saying, "aaaaaand eff you very much!"
I've become a fierce and desperate defendant of sleep, when it comes -- after endless walking, bouncing, nursing, humming, praying -- and I find myself composing detailed deals with God wherein he grants me an hour and I promise to get other things done besides blogging. But then as soon as the eyelids close, a neighbor comes out to ask HOW OLD'S THE BABY? or I walk on the creaky part of the floor, or dishes clank in the sink, and I'm cursing (sorry God) and waxing nostalgic about the early months when Auden could sleep anywhere, anytime, through any kind of noise.
I'm so tense I'm wearing my shoulders up around my ears, even though I never meant to be so rigid about this. I want to go with the flow and all, but damnit, when he needs a nap he NEEDS a nap, you know?
[smooths hair, settles back down in chair]
Like a good Buddhist, Jason reminds me that the root of suffering is attachment, and that I have to just let go. That's when I sic Attack Baby on him and go fix myself a drink.
Ah crap. The baby's up. Well, at least I got this post finished! Never mind about making dinner or folding the laundry or taking a shower or starting that Valium habit. You'll come visit me in the nuthouse, right?
Oh don't worry. The next thing I write is going to be an ode to Auden about all the reasons I'm completely in love with him.
** this game is actually hilariously cute, remind me to tell you about it when I'm not so intent on being Righteously Frustrated.