Friday, September 19, 2008

in which I lose my cool

I haven't been blogging much lately, friends, because I have been struggling.

There has been a slight improvement in the night-time sleep schedule -- enough to remind me what a delicious and potent tonic sleep can be -- but it seems to be coming at the cost of those day-time gems of sweet relief called naps.

The past few days have seen me face down, crying into the living room rug by 6pm. No matter how plucky I start out in the morning, my resilience is eroded by the constant whining, the wriggling, the struggling to get away from diaper-changes, the sporratic 1/2 hour naps, the inability to be entertained by any one toy for longer than 30 seconds, the reaching for all things forbidden, the insistence on playing Attack Baby** until 9:30pm, and in fact, the total resistance to any kind of regular bedtime, and can I get a witness? Or maybe just a babysitter? By the time my poor unsuspecting husband comes home I'm ready to toss him the baby and exit the room, tipping my hat, saying, "aaaaaand eff you very much!"

I've become a fierce and desperate defendant of sleep, when it comes -- after endless walking, bouncing, nursing, humming, praying -- and I find myself composing detailed deals with God wherein he grants me an hour and I promise to get other things done besides blogging. But then as soon as the eyelids close, a neighbor comes out to ask HOW OLD'S THE BABY? or I walk on the creaky part of the floor, or dishes clank in the sink, and I'm cursing (sorry God) and waxing nostalgic about the early months when Auden could sleep anywhere, anytime, through any kind of noise.

I'm so tense I'm wearing my shoulders up around my ears, even though I never meant to be so rigid about this. I want to go with the flow and all, but damnit, when he needs a nap he NEEDS a nap, you know?

[smooths hair, settles back down in chair]


Like a good Buddhist, Jason reminds me that the root of suffering is attachment, and that I have to just let go. That's when I sic Attack Baby on him and go fix myself a drink.

Ah crap. The baby's up. Well, at least I got this post finished! Never mind about making dinner or folding the laundry or taking a shower or starting that Valium habit. You'll come visit me in the nuthouse, right?

Oh don't worry. The next thing I write is going to be an ode to Auden about all the reasons I'm completely in love with him.

** this game is actually hilariously cute, remind me to tell you about it when I'm not so intent on being Righteously Frustrated.



Mieke Stoub said...

oh man. they start crawling and all of a sudden it's like they own the place. just put him on a leash with a muzzel. that'll teach 'em.

=) can't wait to visit!

Wood said...

Oh, I hear you Robin. This age is cute and everything, but I'd give up at least a few dozen smiles for a consistent nap schedule.

Hang in there. Soon enough the stuff that's driving you crazy will get better, and then Auden will move onto something even more challenging.

Anonymous said...

Hi Robin! Your recent entry brings back a flood of memories of long days with a baby that won't sleep or cooperate with that adult schedule. How can we stay sane without those breaks? Hang in there, Robin! Things will get better! Auden seems like such a go-go guy, crawling so early and all! He must be brilliant! No wonder he won't sleep... he's busy planning his next moves.

Anonymous said...

I was once you! I had 6 children and I raised the first 3 with a more laid back approach. And I was TIRED, worn out, stretched thin and not as much fun as I used to be.
Then I read the book Baby Wise, and it is all about the schedule as much as the earth mother in me hates to admit. You don't have to be rigid about it but the concept works and the next 3 all slept through the night by 8 weeks, took regular naps and were basically delightful.

Anonymous said...

Robin, I have been right there where you are with the sleep et al. on way more occasions that I care to admit. Just "letting go" doesn't cut it by any standard, no matter how zen you usually are able to be; a body just needs a certain amount of sleep, period, and beyond that, your body takes over and turns you into Haggard Woman, that short-tempered, selfish-feeling person you never planned on being. Don't beat yourself up about it. I am rather adament about it being okay to be annoyed and even angry at a situation that is leaving you with an absolute bare minimum of your personal needs being met. Showering! Sleeping! Sitting and reading a book!

Don't get me wrong, kids are wonderful, Joshua is WONDERFUL, but still... they not only have the ability to take you to some of the greatest places you've ever been, they can also show you some of the darker spaces in your psyche. I hear you, sister! Be of good hope! And tell Jason to take him for a night, only bringing him when he's sure that he's hungry. You need some sleep!